wearing the habit

i repeat myself over and over and over again. i pretend that i don't. that i am a creative person 24/7. i try to break habits, to prove that i reinvent everything all the time, but the truth is i can't help it. try as i might to change this, i get bent out of shape in a heartbeat and revert to repetition. this is most apparent in the shower: 1) i turn on the spigot, wait for the heat to rise and piss in the tub while standing outside. 2) i reach and blend cold with hot to a scalding, burn-yourself-clean technique. 3) i step in, first left foot then right, my face in the hard rain, squeezing my eyes closed against the water as it hits the hair line, my cupped hands in front of my face to repel Niagara in a pantheistic prayer, the hair in face then shoved up and back, a quick flip which lands the collected water in the tub behind me like a bitch slap. 4) i shampoo leaving the suds on top like a frilly cap. 5) i lather up my face, burning my cheeks in prep for an easy shave. 6) i soap up the neck, upper shoulders, pits, arms, tits, nipples, legs, balls, cock, under ass, ass crack and asshole having turned so my back faces the nozzle. 7) i scrape off the excess soap, bend over, pull the cheeks apart, douche my asshole, check for shit specks in the teeth of the bath mat and tweeze out and nudge them down the reluctant drain. 8) i rinse the shampoo out and squeeze off the excess water. 9) i lazy susan turn back into the steam, admiring the impressionistic bathroom wall art. 10) i twist the chrome knobs hard shut, drag the shower curtain to the right and towel off in a predictable order: face, hair, pulled ears, head and neck, pits, upper arms, torso, back, ass, legs and feet. i've tried reversing the procedure: feet, legs, asshole, ass, arms, etc - but it was too weird. i'm trapped in a cage i built myself. i wonder what other parts of my life's assembly line this repetition owns. i wonder if any live-in relationship, or LTR, could survive these set-in-my-ways parameters. it's way too late. i fancy myself an improviser and i am a latin teacher: 'repetitio est mater studiorum' (repetition is the mother of students).