strike out

my mom was in a recuperation house after having a piece of her lung cut out. (T.B.) i was 11 or 12. because she was away, they thought it'd be smart to send me off to camp, to Camp Viking on Cape Cod. i made a model of a schooner with sleek black hull. it actually sailed, which was nice. i went on trips in the real thing. we skinny dipped at dawn. it was an ok time, but unfortunately i was sick most of the summer and spent it in sick bay. me and another kid spotted was a knot hole in the wall that we pushed out on purpose so we could look in on the nurse's station. we would peek in and watch her undress. we never saw much beyond bra and panties. i wasn't sure about myself in the naked girl turn-on department, but i do remember liking the shoulder of the other kid against mine as we watched with naughty excitement. not that we ever did anything, him and i. one night he decided that i needed a 'sex lesson'. he made me take off my pajamas. with a pencil and paper he drew a cock and balls and showed me how 'the white stuff' came up out of the balls and squirted out of the boner. he also showed me on me by touching my stiff little erection with the eraser end of the pencil. i never forgot it. still, none of this was as critical or as shameful as the baseball incident. i didn't realize that i was a fairy back then. (who does?) what i did know was that i was a shitty athlete, even before Viking. there i stood on the field during batting practice one hot afternoon a few days before i wound up in sick bay for good (was there a connection?). i stood at the plate, legs apart, bat cocked like a wet noodle and could not hit the ball to save my life. not even once. swing, miss, swing, miss over and over and over again until i was fighting back tears. the coach pitched meatballs and still i couldn't hit. 'you're gonna stand there, kinscherf, in the batter's box and you're not getting out of here until you hit the god-damned baseball!' he warned, level-eyed, a real man. i stood there shaking and crying and swinging and missing and swinging and missing. it was a horror show. the other kids stood around watching, scuffing their cleats. he didn't let them make jokes, but i could hear what they were thinking: 'faggot'.